Sunlight plays on the water
As the wind dances the trees lining the shore,
And the surface of the lake ripples from God's tears;
The rain.
Impossible as it seems, it is raining,
With no cloud coverage.
It doesn't make sense, and yet it is truly real;
Not a dream.

Secret Words

 

Secret words

Exchanged between the girl and her lover.

As he gets ready to leave again,

He steals one last kiss from her smiling lips.

Secret messages

Sent through their eyes, telling one another

That no one can know about their exchanges;

If anyone knew about their love,

They would be separated forever.

This is our secret,

They tell each other silently.

His lips touch hers again,

And they walk their separate ways,

Promising to meet again soon.



Some rights reserved

I am crying.
Plip, plip, plip;
My teardrops mix with the raindrops in the puddle;
It is raining.
Is God crying with me?
Does he feel the pain that I feel?
Does he taste his own tears
The way I taste the saltiness of mine?
Or, is there even a God at all?
Is there Heaven and Hell?
Is there anything after death?
The only way to truly know is to die,
But I do not want to die if there is nothingness after,
Even if sometimes I feel as if
Everything would be better if I was gone,
That people would be more content.
It sometimes seems as if my life has no meaning,
As if I shouldn't exist.
Depression still haunts me like a ravenous monster,
A monster wanting to eat out my soul
And leave behind my empty shell.



Some rights reserved

(In)Sanity

I wake up to a bloodcurdling scream.

After endless moments of hearing it, the scream dies;

I realize that I was the one screaming.

Why did I scream?

I cannot remember;

The fragmented memory of the nightmare slip through my fingers

Like water seeping through paper.

My paper-thin fingers

Cannot hold the liquid pieces together,

And they seem to evaporate from my mind.

I cannot remember what had caused me to scream in terror,

Waking myself up.

And there was the frightening part of it;

I am afraid of something I cannot even remember,

And that fear eats away at my mind gradually,

A few nibbles each day,

Slowly but surely taking my sanity;

It will evaporate the way the dream did,

But tormentingly leisurely.

And once the shard of sanity I still maintain is gone,

I will be, as well.


Some rights reserved

Permanent

Unasked questions numb my lips,

Unsaid images burned into my retinas;

Unsmiling faces are pasted into my mind,

Disbelieving voices ringing in my ears;

Displeasing tastes are settled permanently into my taste buds.

Why can't I escape from this cycle,

And let it all go?

None of these lurid dreams will go away.



Some rights reserved

Soul is the ocean,
An ocean of deep greens and blues, streaked in gray.

Happiness is the sun,
Which warms the ocean and keeps it aglow.

Depression is the clouds,
Which sometimes block out the sun's warming rays.

For some, the clouds almost never hide the sun;
For others, the cloud coverage is nearly constant;
These ones fight chronic depression.

And for others still, the clouds race across the sky quite quickly,
Alternating between blocking the sun and allowing it to shine;
These ones are what we call "bipolar".

I refuse to allow the sun to be obscured by the clouds any longer.
I will fight the darkness, and someday remain in the light.



Some rights reserved

I was not always this way;
I wasn't always depressed and annoyingly lonely,
Causing everyone around me to not like me;
I used to be happy.
I miss feeling true happiness, happiness I have not felt in years.
My stepfather is a simple-minded cad,
My mother still unemployed;
I have absolutely no money for college,
And no privacy;
My stepfather looks through my writing and artwork. 
And as for my dreams,
They will never come true;
I will never be an artist,
Or a published writer, or an accomplished actress;
Nobody will look up to me,
And I will never be happy,
Because I am not allowed;
Luck as dealt me a horrendous hand,
And it is only up to me to try changing it.
But can I?
Will I ever be happy again,
And no longer a killjoy?
Only the future will reveal the answers.



Some rights reserved

The sun kisses the sky at dawn,
The ocean calming from her warmth,
And the moon leaving the sky in envy of her brilliant beauty.
As the sun peeks through the breaking clouds
To gaze upon the ships below,
She yawns, sending a gentle breeze cross the water.
The clouds would leave soon, not wanting to hide
The sun so early after she wakes up.
The blue sky is revealed as they gradually drift away
Going to rest on the mountains;
The sky becomes endless as the clouds move away
No longer rimming its pure azure;
The oncoming day would be peaceful,
With no warring gray clouds to distract the sun
From her duty of warmth and comfort.


Some rights reserved

A rasping breath.

A trembling sigh as the breath is released, then

Another throaty gasp for air;

I have lost myself again.

I cannot escape the water's icy embrace,

Its already firm grip tightening still,

Dragging me under repeatedly,

Regardless of how many times I resurface.

The sea of depression I am slowly sinking in,

Its strength never wavers;

I cannot stop fighting, I cannot give up.

But my own strength, unlike the ghastly water's, has a limit;

At times I have a lax in grip of my control,

And the ocean swallows me for a while.

But I do come back up eventually,

After watching some of my life drain out in the little bubbles issuing


From my lips.

This cycle refuses to stop, but there are escapes;

Friends, family, and the occasional boyfriend can distract me from my dismal existence.

For those who are drowning in a whirlpool of blackness,

Ponder this:

If you keep yourself surrounded by people like you, you may never resurface;

If you surround yourself with the suns that shine brighter than you,

The tides will go down sometimes, and you will not be alone.

Allow yourself to shine, if only for a little while;


Dredge yourself out of the dank, icy waters.

Do not be afraid to open that window into that dry, warm air and take a deep, cleansing breath.

Thank you, Ritayan; you inspired me to write this.





Some rights reserved

My Pain Should be Yours

I bleed from the sea of pain I slowly drown in,
Pain you have given me;
If only you could see
The things I write because of you.
Maybe then you would understand that
My heartstrings' whispers are not just a joke.
You tell me you are so happy with your life,
That you feel fulfilled.
How can that possibly be fair when I am suffocating from you,
From the wounds you inflicted in my heart?
The wounds are causing my heart to drown in its own blood.
Why should you, the one responsible for my never-ending pain,
Be allowed to smile and laugh, and be happy,
When I am swamped in this endless darkness,
The darkness of your fathomless shadow?
The morning seems that it will never come for me;
This is your fault, and you should pay the price,
But of course, I do instead, because I'm the one you broke.




Some rights reserved

Window

Smiles and laughter;
Love and happiness;
Unconditional friendship;
I can see all of these things through a small window,
A window of despair;
The glass is too thick,
This warmth just beyond my reach.
Raindrops trickle down the glass slowly,
Marking the passing of this otherwise timeless and endless night.
The window only opens from the inside, and I am outside, alone.
I watch from behind the glass
As friends--true friends!--joke around, and
Couples fall in love,
In that warm, hatefully loving world,
The world from which I am shut out,
A world safe from the melancholy turmoil that I live in.
My side of the window is bleak and miserable;
The sun never knows what is happening from behind the thick blanketing of clouds;
My so-called "friends" hate me.
I stare longingly through this little window,
An outsider looking in on a place where she is unwelcome,
Wishing that there was some way in for me.
Alas, the window only opens from the inside,
And why would anyone in that happy place
Look away from their perfect lives for just a moment, long enough to notice
This lonely outsider and take pity?
Who in their right mind
Would have mercy and open that window,
Letting in the rain and misery,
And tarnishing their paradise?
No one; that's who.


Some rights reserved

From The Girl you Murdered

I pledged my bleeding heart to you;
All you did was laugh.
You sweetly took my hand and led me to a river,
And at the last possible moment, you bared me your true,
Monstrous form,
And threw me into the freezing water.
You watched me drown,
A self-satisfactory grin twisting your features;
And as I drew my final shuddering breath of water,
You laughed;
A cruel, selfish, malicious laugh.
You never cared for anyone but yourself and your precious first girlfriend,
And yet pretended to care for me,
But in the end you only left me to drown,
To drown in the long-suffering pain you led me into.
Someday, you will suffer;
I promise, you will wish you never killed my bleeding heart which I had pledged to you.



Some rights reserved

Shades of Gray

They say that everything in life
Is simply black and white;
That it's this way or that way,
Nothing in between;
No shades of gray,
No middle ground to stand on.
But life is not like that at all;
It isn't all just good or bad;
It's not always just yes or no;
It is much more complicated than that.
Love and hate can coexist;
Not one of us is all good or all bad;
We all have flaws, imperfections,
And it really is not all one way or the other.
Everyone is selfish to some degree, and
All of us can be selfless for our own reasons.
So there are middle grounds,
Shades of gray between the stark white and jet black;
In fact, the reality is that the world is all different shades of gray;
No up, not down, but in between.
No white; no perfection.
No black; no complete chaos without redeem.
Only grays.


Some rights reserved

Anger

It is all ruined, my story;
It is scattered all over the floor,
Soaked in beer
Spilled all over the white carpet.
My three-hundred-page manuscript
That I had spent two years working on,
Destroyed.
Who had done this?
Who had sabotaged my hard work?
My three-year-old son Damon is sitting in the corner
Of the room, his blue eyes wide in fear.
My control will not hold;
You did it.
I grab the child by his little arm.
You did it.
Did you do this, Damon?
"Mommy, it was an accident!"
Liar!
I cannot see through the red fog of drunken anger,
The crimson veil of fury clouding my vision.
Tell the truth! Tell the truth!
My nails dig into the flesh of his forearm,
My fingers easily meeting around it,
As I whirl him around to spank him.
Tell the truth, Damon.
You did it.
I hear a snap.
It is quiet, and yet loud to me;
I can feel the bone giving under the strength of my grip,
Breaking from the brute force.
But the sound is what tears me from the sea of red hot anger,
That sickening snap,
A sound like pencil lead breaking,
Or a stick broken over one knee;
It shoots through like an arrow,
But instead of letting in sunshine,
It lets in the dark clouds of shame and regret,
Horror at what I had done.
I broke his arm.
Damon;
Sweet, innocent, three-year-old Damon,
Whom I absolutely adore;
I broke his arm.
What had brought me to do this?
I watched his little face drain of color,
Going from the youthful flush of childhood
To a delicate, paper-white.
Oh God, oh dear God, what did I do?
He slumps to the floor, his arm at an odd angle.
Oh dear God, no!
What have I done?
No, no, no, no...
I hurt my own son...
No more alcohol, no more, no more...
I cradle my child in my arms, running to the phone to dial 911.
NO MORE...




Some rights reserved

Heart of Fire

It's burning within me;
My heart is burning in my chest, threatening to
Singe its way through my body.
I feel it on fire,
Never cooling,
Always giving me pain.
It never ceases,
This burning behind my eyes.
It cannot be contained,
And I don't know if it will ever end;
But it is his fault, not mine.



Some rights reserved

Night

It was nighttime in the silent neighborhood;
Time for the light to become darkness,
And the darkness to come to life.
As the sun falls below the towering mountain,
Shrouding the houses in deep twilight,
There are quiet whispers flowing through the trees;
The silence of the day is slowly being broken.
There is a rustling in the bushes around the little cul de sac,
As the shadows seem to come to life;
Murmurings and suggestions
Ring through the vegetation and between the dark residences.
As the humans go to sleep,
The night awakens.
Howls fill the sky, while bats
Flap out of the shivering leaves of the trees;
There are hoots of complaint as irritated owls
Emerge from their hollows of the trunks.
The night is more alive than it seems to the average being.



Some rights reserved

Masks

Many wear masks in public;
Boring, normal faces,
Hiding their true selves and their uniqueness;
You are afraid of what others will think of you?
You hide what makes you individuals,
Your unique personalities,
Simply to fit in?
Why do you all make fun of the few of us who are not afraid,
Not afraid to show our true colors?
At least we do not hide,
At least we reveal who we truly are.
And what are you,
Those of you who choose to hide out of that pointless fear?
All of us are different;
Why be afraid to show that?
Remove your masks, and
Show us who you are;
Stop hiding like rats.
Be who YOU want to be,
Be an individual,
Be you.



Some rights reserved

Life is lonely; in the end, there is no getting past that fact.
Happiness does not last forever, no matter how much we wish to believe that it does.
There is no happily ever after; instead, emptiness awaits you at the end of the road.
You cannot escape the nightmare that is life through anything but death.



Some rights reserved

Bottomless Heart

I fell in love with him,
And yet, to him it means nothing.
He has kissed me, again and again, saying he loves me,
And yet it means nothing.
What, then, means anything to him?
As far as I can tell, his heart has no meaning;
It must be a bottomless pit.
His lips say "love", but his actions say not;
How can I make sense of these signals?
What is the truth?
Actions speak louder than words, and
How do I read this bottomless heart,
When he will not allow me to?



Some rights reserved

Empty

The emptiness consumes my soul;
The life I live can take its toll;
Heartbreak, sadness, confusion--
All of it can overwhelm me when I'm feeling weak,
And it does;
Late at night, I'll lay in bed,
This chaos raging in my head,
And I cannot keep it away, cannot repel
This empty feeling
That gets stronger and stronger,
And keeps me awake, stops me from sleeping.
I cannot dream
Because my heart is empty of the reasons to do so.
I cannot laugh
Because the sound will not come.
I cannot cry
Because somehow, my eyes remain dry.
I cannot feel anything, only stand there;
I am too empty.



Some rights reserved

True Beauty

Beauty is only skin deep;
Importance only truly lies in what's inside.
Look inside with your heart
And view the soul that lays within the flesh,
Not the flesh itself.
Note the pretty and ugly
Not by appearance, but by actions.
Remember that a gnome-faced, selfless do-gooder
Is much more beautiful than a drop-dead gorgeous, flat-out malicious person;
The heart is the true value of beauty.



Some rights reserved

The Last Song

Laying in the soft comfort of my bed one night,
I begin to drift off to sleep.
But before I can begin dreaming,
A sweet melody comes to my ears;
The most lovely music I have ever heard.
And though this sweet song is wordless,
The notes tell me all;
The song speaks of love and hatred in unseemly harmony,
War and peace joining,
Melancholy and happiness blended together as one,
And never-ending neutrality.
I listen to this song,
Wonderful and yet terrible,
Upbeat and yet sinister;
The lovely notes slowly die out in my ears,
My heart pounding along with the slowing beat,
Slackening its pace with the perishing song,
Quieting with the dying notes.
I realize too late that this is the last song,
The last song for me,
As my breath stops forever,
My heart beating no longer,
And all is silent as I fall into an eternal slumber.



Some rights reserved

Beauty is the Beast

They tell me I'm beautiful.
Do they know what lies behind these eyes they call pretty?
Can they even begin to fathom the ugliness that lurks there,
The anger,
Hatred,
Envy?
This hideous beast lives within,
And yet no one seems to recognize it.
It claws at my heart, slowly but surely
Eating it away.
And one day, I shall be gone,
My soul replaced by this destructive monster,
And I will lose what little beauty I hold
Within my soul.
Will anyone remember this girl lost?
Or will they simply forget the way she used to be?
These are the questions that relentlessly escape being answered;
This hideous, misunderstood monster
Will stand alone.


Some rights reserved

Love Pains

The pain of love;
The love of pain;
Two different things that sound the same.
The pain of loving a lover of pain;
That is what I feel,
Because I'm in love with a masochist
Who doesn't love me back.
How insane is that?
It is simply easier to give up;
To give in, because I'll never win.
All I can feel is pain, pain I do not desire.



Some rights reserved

Sweet Tears

He calls to me from my dreams;
He beckons to me, smiling;
He holds out his hand, silently asking me
To join him in his eternal rest.
I smile at him,
But I do not take his hand.
His lips whisper soundlessly,
Pleading to be heard;
And yet I still hear nothing, only my inner voice;
I want to join him.
I want to stay with him forever,
Even if it means my peril.
But my inner voice screams at me to stay away,
To stay away from his deathly beauty.
And so I stand there helplessly, unable to decide,
His lovely eyes pleading with me,
But my heart is torn;
I cannot move toward him or away,
And I simply wake up, tasting the tears,
The sweet tears from his deathly presence.



Some rights reserved

Constellations

Stars, bright in the evening sky,
Like eyes watching you;
The time flies by,
And before you know it,
You're living a lie;
Everyone thinks you're what you're not;
Eventually you become too scared to deny
The lies you have spun;
How do you break free from the lie?
The stars are watching you, you cannot escape their gaze;
They're always there, their gaze betrays
The truth behind your words.



Some rights reserved

COLORS

When you're happy, the world is a rainbow
Greens, purples, blues and reds
The sun shines down on you
Intensifying the beauty
But what about when you're depressed
And alone
And the lovely colors morph into bleak grays
And blacks, and browns?
The sun becomes hidden, just for that moment
And you sit in the darkness
Alone with those dark, sad colors
And no one can pull you back to the surface
Of that dark ocean, back into the sun
Until YOU choose to resurface.



Some rights reserved

Every time I see him,
I want to collapse and cry;
But instead I walk on by
And hold my head up high.
He averts his eyes and ignores me completely,
But I'm used to it by now;
And when I see him look away,
I always think of how
Things used to be between us,
And I will never forget
The way he used to look at me,
And the way we used to be.



Some rights reserved